I am here today because D in her graceful way gently gave me a nudge to revisit "Planks of the Dock".
Taking a new step. Welcoming back writing in my life. Seeing a part of me that I have been disconnected from for so long.
You can be trail running one day with your dog and loving life and be nearly disabled the next.
My beautiful lovely dog Shelby died on Feb. 10. She got sick on January 29th. I thought it was from a rawhide. The Pet Emergency hospital took many scans and found she had cancer in her lungs and her heart was enlarged. Her normal vet though didn't believe we should be concerned. I went back to work on Feb. 8th. She seemed like she was getting better as she was back
to her feisty self. Those last two days we saw a stunning sunset from the park by the Guemes Ferry; the two of us just sat on this cliff and watched the sun deep dive into the horizon, we went to Rotary park and sat on our favorite log. When we got home Tuesday night, I knew something was wrong, as she b-lined for the house and as soon as we got inside she went to lay down by the dryer. This is where she went when she wasn't feeling good. As the evening progressed, she got back in her chair. There was a flash of light in the kitchen that night. I believe Shelby's brother Howie was coming to bring her home. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I felt in my heart that she was dying and instead of letting her stay home, we took her to the vet. Her heart stopped around 8:30am. I was not there for her last heartbeat. I was not there holding her. I was in the lobby knowing already that she was going to die. When I went back to see her after she died, I just laid there holding her. I closed her eyes. I shared 10 and a half years with Shelby. She was gone in an instant. My heart felt has though I was being stabbed a million times. I laid on her dog bed outside and cried myself to sleep. I thought this was all a dream and just maybe I would wake up and she would be by my side.
Feb. 13, Alan Gage, Dalon's husband dies in an avalanche. I have no words for my precious friend has lost her husband. Her love. The father of her children. She is a widow at 39.
Days later, I am in Alaska being held by my Dad. I am raw, I am vulnerable, I am me. I hear the words I have been waiting for, "I am sorry, I was not there for you as a child to protect you" I cry more. This grief has brought me to a place where all I experience now is tenderness.
A week later, I embrace Dalon outside of baggage claim at the Ted Stevens International Airport. Showing up and just being is enough not only in times of loss but in all times. I hold Dalon's hand while she cries and I just don't want to let go. My eyes tear up as I watch Payton and Jarrett play. I teach the boys how to perform duct tape surgery on their swords. Jarrett is now a fan of boiled peanuts. I like telling them stories and they seem to enjoy listening to them. I have always known what an amazing soul Dalon is and so do many others. Her grace, kindness, and strength is a testament to living a life with integrity. I am so honored to be her friend.
I return home Mid March, this was the first time flying over Sea-Tac that home didn't feel like home. I open the door to a quiet house. No tap tap on the floor. No barking and tail wagging to greet me at the door. No bigger than life Miss Shelby. Everything is as it was the day she died. Her physical presence is no more.
On Good Friday, there is an explosion at work and 5 of my friends and co-workers die. Lew and Matt fight for a few weeks but they died. I never thought I would see a coroner driving off from work with bodies. I never thought I would look in so many of my friends and co-workers eyes and see such sadness. I do not hold back the tears.
As for my hip, surgery is not an option now as I am too young. I start another round of PT next week. I do not have faith in our health care system. I was misdiagnosed on several occasions over the last year. I was in a healthier state when I had faith in myself and living a more holistic approach. Doctor's solutions are pills. Pills that damage your kidneys and liver, but hey it will take away the pain. Sorry Doc, my kidneys and liver are a part of my vitality.
Life is a journey certainly filled with ups and downs.
I'm going to take a lesson from up above. Yes D, It's Allllllllllllllllllllllll Good!! If I keep telling myself that, I'll eventually start to believe it.
Taking a new step. Welcoming back writing in my life. Seeing a part of me that I have been disconnected from for so long.
"When you find your way you cannot be scared. You need to be brave enough to take wrong steps. The deceptions, failures, lack of enthusiasm, are tools that God places in our way to reveal the path"
Paulo Coelho
God has certainly been placing tools in my way.
Paulo Coelho
God has certainly been placing tools in my way.
You can be trail running one day with your dog and loving life and be nearly disabled the next.
My beautiful lovely dog Shelby died on Feb. 10. She got sick on January 29th. I thought it was from a rawhide. The Pet Emergency hospital took many scans and found she had cancer in her lungs and her heart was enlarged. Her normal vet though didn't believe we should be concerned. I went back to work on Feb. 8th. She seemed like she was getting better as she was back
to her feisty self. Those last two days we saw a stunning sunset from the park by the Guemes Ferry; the two of us just sat on this cliff and watched the sun deep dive into the horizon, we went to Rotary park and sat on our favorite log. When we got home Tuesday night, I knew something was wrong, as she b-lined for the house and as soon as we got inside she went to lay down by the dryer. This is where she went when she wasn't feeling good. As the evening progressed, she got back in her chair. There was a flash of light in the kitchen that night. I believe Shelby's brother Howie was coming to bring her home. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I felt in my heart that she was dying and instead of letting her stay home, we took her to the vet. Her heart stopped around 8:30am. I was not there for her last heartbeat. I was not there holding her. I was in the lobby knowing already that she was going to die. When I went back to see her after she died, I just laid there holding her. I closed her eyes. I shared 10 and a half years with Shelby. She was gone in an instant. My heart felt has though I was being stabbed a million times. I laid on her dog bed outside and cried myself to sleep. I thought this was all a dream and just maybe I would wake up and she would be by my side.Feb. 13, Alan Gage, Dalon's husband dies in an avalanche. I have no words for my precious friend has lost her husband. Her love. The father of her children. She is a widow at 39.
Days later, I am in Alaska being held by my Dad. I am raw, I am vulnerable, I am me. I hear the words I have been waiting for, "I am sorry, I was not there for you as a child to protect you" I cry more. This grief has brought me to a place where all I experience now is tenderness.
A week later, I embrace Dalon outside of baggage claim at the Ted Stevens International Airport. Showing up and just being is enough not only in times of loss but in all times. I hold Dalon's hand while she cries and I just don't want to let go. My eyes tear up as I watch Payton and Jarrett play. I teach the boys how to perform duct tape surgery on their swords. Jarrett is now a fan of boiled peanuts. I like telling them stories and they seem to enjoy listening to them. I have always known what an amazing soul Dalon is and so do many others. Her grace, kindness, and strength is a testament to living a life with integrity. I am so honored to be her friend.
I return home Mid March, this was the first time flying over Sea-Tac that home didn't feel like home. I open the door to a quiet house. No tap tap on the floor. No barking and tail wagging to greet me at the door. No bigger than life Miss Shelby. Everything is as it was the day she died. Her physical presence is no more.
On Good Friday, there is an explosion at work and 5 of my friends and co-workers die. Lew and Matt fight for a few weeks but they died. I never thought I would see a coroner driving off from work with bodies. I never thought I would look in so many of my friends and co-workers eyes and see such sadness. I do not hold back the tears.
As for my hip, surgery is not an option now as I am too young. I start another round of PT next week. I do not have faith in our health care system. I was misdiagnosed on several occasions over the last year. I was in a healthier state when I had faith in myself and living a more holistic approach. Doctor's solutions are pills. Pills that damage your kidneys and liver, but hey it will take away the pain. Sorry Doc, my kidneys and liver are a part of my vitality.
Life is a journey certainly filled with ups and downs.
I'm going to take a lesson from up above. Yes D, It's Allllllllllllllllllllllll Good!! If I keep telling myself that, I'll eventually start to believe it.
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1 comment:
grrrrrlll ... this is JUST what you needed!!! and me too :-) thank you for writing ... thank you for sharing ... thank you for always putting a smile on my face!!! I love your blog - to read your words makes me feel like we're sitting next to each other drinking coffee or tea (or a toxic combination of something ELSE) and I Love It!! LOVE YOU MY DEAR FRIEND!!
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