I thought leaving Alaska meant never having to shovel snow again.

Change of course

I've decided to change the direction of my blog to "Letters to D".

Dalon is my best friend and through the last 20 years she has been the one I write to in good and bad. Believe it or not, she files all my writing away for that day I suppose, I either hit it big or my ashes or thrown out to sea. She's the safe keeper of my words and my trusted counterpart in this journey.

This picture was taken in September of 2008 down at the Oscar Anderson house in Anchorage, AK. I've always loved that house. This morning though I was exceptionally crabby and she of course had a smile on her face.

So here the new direction begins below:

Hey there!

Wow, that was super fast. I'm so glad you liked the skirt. Remind me again, what was the cover? That was the package sitting in my car for a time or to. This month's cover is a beautiful picture of an dark haired angel painting a smaller angel of herself in the palm of her hand. The quote is "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." - Lucy Maud Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

Did you make it through the Holidays? How are the boys? Is your Mom still visiting? Did you paint the guest bedroom? Is the bookclub with the church? I'm drinking a cup of coffee waiting for my trailrunners to beat the hell out of the dryer. This will be more action than my shoes have had in over a month. I did though finally rescue all my shoes off the porch. We had another crazy storm yesterday; 60 mph winds with hail prancing through the state. Goodness!

I treated myself to a massage for Monday. Since I'm staying in Anacortes for vacation, I'm treating myself to a little indulgence just about every day....I deserve it! I have a new mantra for 2009, "Just screw it"......................I've already adopted it for the last few remaining days of 2008.

I have a new friend. His name is Kenny and he lives two houses over. A very nice guy. He fixed my broken gate while I was in Hawaii. I thought it was Jayson finally fixing it after seven and a half years. Paulie, my 85 year old neighbor, this is to the east, mentioned my gate at the soroptomist last week. She was giving me some subtle hints about what a great guy he is and a Shipwright at Dakota Creek. We met when he first moved in a few months ago, but I first noticed him in the post office over a year ago. He was talking in the line about TV. He commented why should he sit on his butt and watch a story about someone else's life, he was going to go get his own life and witness first hand other's stories. I liked that comment and filed it away in my deck of wisdom.

On Saturday, I ran into him and thanked him so much for fixing my gate and he was so humble about it. A real gentleman. I had this large box in my hands that I was taking out to my car and he just took it out of my hands without even saying anything and put it in my car. It was such a simple gesture. In those simple gestures people show you who they really are. I believe, you'll have to look it up in the Bible, but there's a verse about Deeds speak the truth - something like that and how words are ??? I just butchered it.

My blog? I don't know, D. I'm not sure that's the direction I want to continue on with my writing. I am writing though. My Mom bought me these incredible books for Christmas by Natalie Goldberg. I was delighted. They were on my list to check out at the library. I love books.

By the way, I read The Last Lecture on Christmas. Still brought tears to my eyes. I decided to pay it forward though and share the book with my brother. He got engaged on Christmas Eve to Annie, another Nurse at UCLA. They've been together for the last two years. Annie is from the mid-west. My mom likes her and said she's just a spit fire. My brother and I haven't talked in a number of months. The book though reminded me though that People are more important than things and sometimes you have to wave the white flag. Aside from "Just screw it", I'm going to work on being more accepting of others and respect where they are in life. I cannot control others.

I ordered a pair of cowboy boots for my Christmas present. They should be here by the end of the week. Don't ask me why. Because I don't know. There's just something in me that wanted these boots. Something I could not explain. I feel that I need to be in an Adobe house with a window above the bathroom sink that opens up into a courtyard with flowers. I'm going to make it point to follow those impulses......I never signed up to Live a Practical life. We've had this discussion over the years time and time again. Remember it all started in the attic of that used furniture store when I wanted that white antique couch. By the way, I don't recall you commenting on my white couch when you were here in May? he! he! he!

Me

Key Lime Pie

This is Riley David Cook, my Cousin Danny's son. This child is such a delight and my oh my, does he ever love Key Lime Pie.

The kindness of strangers

Shelby and I were running at Washington Park earlier today on the trails throughout the woods. When we turned around to go back to the car, I noticed she was limping on her left hind leg. We were nearly 2 miles away from the car. I knew she could not make it. So I was either going to pick her up or try to find my Aunt wandering around the park.

I stopped a car passing by to see if they had a cell phone. Cell phones don't exactly work in Washington Park. The nice family from Whidbey Island out for a Sunday drive with their older dog, told me to get in and they would drive me back to to the car.

How kind! How beautiful!!!

You know who you are.............

I have concerts in my car with the windows rolled down and in my house with the doors wide open. Hear me sing!!!!!!There's songs that pick you up and make you sing at the top of your lungs. Here's my song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3vIv1EwO5A&feature=related

Turn up the volume.

You know those tunnel water slides at the pools for kids? I had my friend Rick turn it on at the pool today for me. I went up and down a half dozen times laughing all the way down.

Words from the Dali Lama

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.


I was honored to volunteer at the Seeds of Compassion conference this past spring in Seattle. The mere presence of the Dali Lama uplifted the entire Key Arena to a state of absolute joy; his smile, his giggles, his words. A true example of leading with compassion and grace.

The picture

One day fourteen years ago while living in Anchorage, Alaska, I was shopping at Burlington Coat Factory. A picture caught my eye of a cafe in France. There was something about that cafe that spoke to me. I felt a deep connection to the ornamental iron facade, the street corner in an unknown location, the space.

That picture came with every move. I tenderly packed it as though it were a family heirloom. When I arrived in Anacortes, Washington, I needed to size down the photo to fit my tiny little abode. The integrity of the picture maintained, the fluff removed. Through all the remodeling work and purging for a move I thought I was going to make; the picture remained with me.

In November of 2005, one morning before the Parisians rise to the occasion, I was wandering the side streets of Paris breathing in the richness from the nearby boulangerie. I came to a fork in the road, literally. When I looked up, there the picture that stayed with me all these years, was right in front of me. It was as real as the goosebumps present on my forearms.

My heart felt as though I had returned to the space designated only for me. I stood there in a trance of past, present, and future. I do not know the address, nor did I write it down.

My internal compass is all knowing. This trip, my first trip to Europe started my journey home.

You gotta love, Shelby

If you've never had a dog, you are missing out on one of the greatest loves, and I'm not referring to that Sappy Whitney Houston slaughter of Dolly's song...hahaha

I remind you all what Dog is spelled backwards; GOD! Get it! Now if you up for the challenge, go visit your local animal shelter today. Don't forget to tell them Shelby sent you.

One of my favorite poets

Pablo Neruda

Words that move you to tears and choke back the expression that you want to reveal to the world.

I have this poem framed in my house above my bar. With the setting sun, the light shines through my sliding glass doors on my back deck. The light reflects off a mirror and in turns shines the gentle pure light of the setting sun on this amazing poem.

Back from Alaska.............

I spent last week in Fairbanks, Alaska with my family. A special occasion for all; my little sister, Johnna, tied the knot.

After I left this past Sunday, a volcano blew in the Aleutians. I guess I certainly made an impact...:-) No seriously, Fairbanks is where I was born. I cannot begin to explain the wave of love I felt when I first saw my Dad in the airport. My heart relaxed for the first time in a very long time.

My Dad and I got up in the morning, drank coffee and listened to Dylan on vinyl. Nashville Skyline sounds even better with the sound of the needle scratching and my Dad near by. Just to share that space with him.

Johnna; where to begin? Here's my little sister all grown up. A beautiful, talented, intelligent young lady. I held back the tears putting her veil on in the bathroom. Though, to see my Dad's expression as we shuffled into the church under that smiley face umbrella. That moment will be in my heart always.

Laughed with my Aunt Candy and Uncle Billy, Visited with friends that had not seen me since a I was a child, cooked plantains for Abbey (Johnna's daughter), got punched in the cheek during the bridal bouquet toss, Met some very cool people, Put together a fabulous beet salad for all to enjoy, ate a ton of salmon, talked with my Dad and Judy just about everything. Oh yeah, and we put on one hell of a reception at the Curling Club for Johnna. This has to go down as one of the best weeks of my life.

I found the love that I was always looking for. It was always there waiting for me, patiently to return. Home is with the people that love you and you love.

Uncertainty

I ran into an old friend today. A friend that last saw me when I was at the lowest point in my life. When I desperately needed someone to massage my heart. One that brings my heartbeat back up. What is about this friend? I know that when he looks in my eyes that he sees more than most. That I cannot hide behind words or expressions, because the minute is noticed. How refreshing to be noticed in that detail.

Seeing my old friend today, I was reminded of a time when I didn't know who I was. I know who I am now. I also know that when your heart loves another you do not need to do anything but love.

Waiting for coffee

Good Morning, World!

The coffee is brewing, Eva Cassidy is on the stereo, the sun is out in it's full glory, and Shelby is keeping my feet warm.

I just returned from two days down in Seattle for training. You know, that city charges me up. I stayed on 4th and Lenora and just walked around visiting the buildings, talking to homeless people, tasting new foods, eating lunch with construction workers, visiting one of my favorite historic buildings after 9 years only to see that it has been completely modernized. The ballroom that once took my breath away now made my jaw drop in horror.

Walking away, I see now what one of my greatest strengths is in life,I have the ability to see the beauty, the essence, the light behind the shadows. The grand ballroom that once was is now a high tech meeting room covered with plasma screens and boardroom tables.

Plus, there's now a Lush store in Westlake Center. If you've never had the experience, go online or visit a store. The products are amazing! They are organic! No bad stuff!!!

The world is almost finished with the Oprah and Eckhart Tolle class. This book, the classes, and the exercises have awakened me. I even started a team meeting last week with a few deep breaths and a moment of silence. What used to bother me is gone. What used to occupy my mind is gone. I noticed the shift over the last month in my close relationships. I'm embracing life. I just don't feel like I'm in my mind any longer.

The life of living small is over.

For Lori who passed on to the light on April 15, 2008

This morning my friend passed away.
Her death was not unexpected. No, death was always lurking in the shadows. Only the shadows were named ovarian cancer. For as long as I’ve known Lori, she’s been fighting off this deadly cancer that consumed her body to the end. This is not about cancer though. This is about my friend; which is more about an individual that not only touched my life, but touched others in a way that was foreign to most; a sweetness so deep running through her being that you wondered sometimes if it was true.



The last year, I raged my own internal battle with life. I was mad at Lori. I was mad at God. I was mad. Mad because no matter what my friend did, the cancer always came back; Surgery, Chemo, Radiation, Experimental studies. She fought and she struggled. Her tears were cried in private. She dreamed her dreams only knowing that in this life they were never going to come true. She remained strong. She remained graceful. I always thought cancer was punishment from God. Why did God do this to Lori? I renounced God!



So here I am at my keyboard, drinking a glass of red wine, thinking about Lori. With the news of her death this morning, I did not feel sad. I felt relieved. I felt that my friend was no longer holding on, she was no longer in pain. She is in a place where her giggles have returned. This pain in my heart I’ve felt for so long opened up today.



Our hearts are so tender.

Lori loved Patrick Swayze. We used to tease her all the time that he was the shortest man alive. She would get really mad and defend Patrick. She loved the movie Dirty Dancing.

We had a longstanding joke about Pirate Booty. Lori and I almost died in quicksand one day over in Langley. Lori with Pirate Booty in one hand, iced tea in the other, and her purse on her shoulder, she was determined that the quick sand was not going to take her down. By the time I reached Lori on the beach, she was 12” down and still sinking. I told her she just needed to let go of what she was holding and fall to the side so I can help her. A true to life metaphor for our friendship; we survived that day with mud from head to toe, but needless to say, we survived. The shoes became a trophy for Lori. A moment she could always return to and laugh. .
Lori was the Godmother to my dogs; Howie and Shelby. Shelby’s favorite pastime was snuggling up with Lori on the bed. Howie just liked to boss her around and demand food. Like the great Godmother that she was, she always complied with their wishes.
We tried many workouts through the years; swimming, working out in the weight room at the high school, pilates, yoga, walking the loop at Washington Park, running the track at the high school, floating in the lake, sailing, go to Thrive fitness. I almost forgot the Little Cranberry trail. One of those days, I thought we were both going to have heart attacks. We met many people during these workouts. Spence and Rick at the high school. I remember one time we actually were walking through Washington Park when it was pitch black. We knew no fear together. Lori, Shelby, Howie, and I – we were living life. We liked to talk, laugh, share a meal together; breakfast at café adrift and cheeseburgers at the brown, drink coffee, shop, watch movies, and go on road trips. By the way, Lori loved Coca Cola! Loved it!
We once went to Canada for the weekend up in Whistler. We made the mistake of sharing a California king bed with my Aunt Cyndy. Lori on one side, Cyndy in the middle, and myself on the other side of Cyndy. Lori and I did not get much sleep, even with the Opera playing in the background. There is no silencing Cyndy once she starts snoring. Lori and I were both in our own private hells that night. That trip we were also summoned to Border Patrol for questioning. We were smuggling in Codeine and Rocks. Such criminals – After that adventure Lori stayed far away from us.
Lori was in essence like a mother to me. She nurtured me, she listened, she was there. When Howie was dying, she didn’t leave my side. She stayed here at the house on the couch all through the night. Sometimes that’s all a person needs in this world is for a person to be there. Lori was always there for me. When I was crying over a broken heart on the corner of N Avenue out in front of the Masonic Hall one Easter day, she was there holding me, telling me it will be ok. She was my pal. She was the one I felt safe enough to share my dreams and sadness with. She listened to what I had to say. She let me process years of hurt without judging. I like to think Lori was God’s gift to me for never feeling the compassion and love I so needed as a child. I feel that now. Even though Lori is gone, in my heart, that love remains. She made a difference in my life. She gave me the love I so needed to thrive. I hope that wherever she is, she knows what a blessing she was in so many people’s lives. How much the simple kind gestures she did on a daily basis made a difference. Lori, Cyndy, and I liked to laugh. We did a lot of that together. I like to think that Cyndy and I brought a whole hell, excuse me Lord, lot of levity to Lori’s life. I’ll keep my mouth shut on the rest of the story. Lori would have wanted it that way. As much fun as we had, she was full of grace, and even when we threatened to kick her out of the car on a country road if she didn’t scream “F***”, she didn’t waver, she was like that, full of integrity to the very end.

Here’s to you my dear friend, Lori!

Ching! Ching!

We love you!!

Missing in action

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. There was this big push to get all my "stuff" on line and finally bring some life into this work that has been stagnate in my house for too long. But, I'm here at the bar, looking over at my kitchen table with that same "stuff". Why I deduce my writing, my talent, my god given gift to the world as "stuff".............I'm in a funk. I actually feel like I've spent a week in the Sahara with no water.

My yoga teacher sent me this quote today about Ayurveda. There was a sentence that I got lost in; "You should only eat food prepared by one who loves you" - is that not profound? Food just tastes better with love. I miss preparing a meal with love. I miss having someone to cook for. I really do miss that.

I'm going to go take a long hot bath now and try to wash this sadness down the drain.

The muse I can no longer deny

There are a million and one reasons why I should not go to France this fall. I need to visit my Grandparents in Charlotte, need to visit my Dad in Alaska, need to have a new roof installed on my old house, need to not spend so much money; given the state of world need not travel to Europe.

Need to and right now are four words I’ve lived my life by. My personal motto for making others happy and living life way up in the nose bleed section of the bleachers. I could go on and on. Reasons why fall out of my brain as quickly as chestnuts hitting the ground from the tree in my front yard.

As these thoughts cloud my mind, as they usually do when I put myself first. I think about what happens to my body when I start talking about architecture and all that it entails. It is though I am elevated into a sacred place where joy is omnipresent. My eyes sparkle like the sun shining on a calm sea. There’s an aura around me that feels like I’m sitting smack dab in the middle of the sun. Where I talk about things I have no clue how I know. But, I know.

I was e-mailing an old friend Sharon a few months back wining about how crappy my life is. I don’t usually throw myself a pity party and invite others to participate. Turning 36 though, makes you question where you are going and what you are doing with your life. How many more years can I spend in my day job? Sharon reminded me of my big fall adventure and how a well rounded (not limited to my hip size) remarkable woman I am. She asked me to close my eyes, breathe deep and visualize where I will be this fall.

By the time you are reading this, I am traveling across the world to come face to face with one of my greatest passions; Architecture. This working vacation is through La Sabraneneque Restoration Projects in a small village in the south of Provence in Saint Victor la Coste located on a hill side nestled between lavender fields and wineries dating back thousands of years. I will be participating in the restoration efforts of a medieval castle. Yes, I am paying to work; for a journey into the sublime. To touch the stones that great stone masters touched, to walk the path of my ancestors, to drink wine made from the souls that Maria Antoinette once sipped. To be apart of something bigger than myself; to be a part of a mystery that lies deep within me, to hear the voices of history, to tell the story that they could not tell.

I seek the architecture of history to discover the locked doors within me; vestibules of buildings and trains, the hatch of an old wooden tugboat, a dead poet’s rotting cottage. Am I the only one that hears the cries of an abandoned building? When I first encountered the architectural model of the Garnier Opera House located in Musee d’Orsay in Paris, I cried for a very long time.

This is the chills shooting up my spine when lighting a candle in Notre Dame. This is hanging out on the wrong side of the tracks in Savannah late at night to visit a railroad depot. This is wiping dust off the windows of the Farmers and Exchange Bank in Charleston just to get a mere glimpse of the interior. This explains why my favorite part of the Louvre is in the medieval moats. This is what happens to me when I allow myself to be vulnerable to the experience. A transformation occurs deep down at my cellular level; I feel the architects, I feel the builders. I feel the energy of the material, I feel the people that were once there. I fall in love over and over again with the built world. This love fills me up and pushes me forward.

This inspires me to live a creative life; to courageously grab the pen and write for no one else but myself, architecture inspires me to write when I forget the words, when holding a pencil is as foreign as hearing my name called out in a crowd in Paris, when I refuse to turn on the computer, when the dullness of my day job starts to take over my thoughts, when I forget what being in love means. This is why I gravitate towards architects, designers, and builders. It explains why the men I have loved and continue to love are just that. It is why my dearest friends in the world build, design, and create not for a living, but for a LIFE. Through their collective creative expression, they in essence build me up, one word at a time.

The built world and all that it entails is my muse. And that is what inspires me.

Coffee with Heavy Whipping Cream

http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog/misstara/paris_2005/tpod.html?tweb_UID=misstara&tweb_token=7885168471510309939

Before I forget, I wanted to post my old travel blog link here. I'm trying to put the puzzle together this year. All these uncomplete projects scattered throughout the universe are coming together.

I'm starting an Eat, Pray, and Love group here in Anacortes this month. I'm going to post ads to see if any woman are interested. How can they not be interested in a book that is changing lives. Thank you Elizabeth!!!! What a phenomenal book! When a book falls off the shelf at the bookstore over four times with a loud thump, one needs to take heed that the UNIVERSE is trying to tell you something. Since that moment in March of last year, I've been HIGHLY recommending the book to all women. My Aunt carries it around as her Bible. When I was in France this past October, the library at La Sabraneque actually had it on the shelf.

Just the other day, I was about to do something pretty damn stupid. A friend of mine from that big state of Texas sent me an e-mail mentioning the two pages she keeps reading over and over (page 149 - 150). Intrigued, of course. Well, well, upon returning home from a hard day at work, I open up my book to those pages. Goodness Gracious! Goodness, Oh Lord, THIS BOOK once again provides guidance!!! Read it, breathe, read it again, breathe deeper.

I am not going to do that stupid thing and after watching Oprah last night. The biggest mistake women make is not disengaging from past loves. So I'm doing it, I'm Disengaging COMPLETELY today! Not tomorrow, TODAY, THIS MOMENT! I'm letting it all go!

I was having a talk with one of my good friends the other day, I'll just call him my Richard but his name is Jayson, and boy did I just dump a lot of heavy crap on him. I think every woman needs to have a Richard (Jayson)in their life. They tell it to you straight, no bullshit!!!! That's Jayson and his partner in crime child, Princess pickle nose!

I have to go get ready for yoga now. That's another entry all together. I practice Kundalini yoga and Hatha yoga. You have to be spiritually ready to step into Kundalini yoga. I took a class 5 years ago and laughed so hard when we started doing breath of fire. However, the seed was planted. Last March, I took my second class and that was that. Kundalini yoga, my practice, is a part of my life.

Have a MARVELOUS day.

Last day of January

According to the experts, what you do the first 32 days of the new year, sets the pace for the rest of the year.

I haven't been writing on my blog, but I have been writing. I've been in this tug and war between pen and paper versus technology.

Happy 2008!!!

Wow, it is such a relief to wake up on New Year's Day still intact with your heart beating and a sense of new possibilities for the year.

This was the first New Year's Eve that I was not flying from one coast to another or celebrating the new year with too much alcohol. It felt good! A shift was happening.........I instead went to a yoga class and a welcoming in the new year meditation.

I've disappointed myself over the past. I have not been true to who I really am and what my true desires are. I read today that one must take their writing as a Holy Calling. When a statement such as that brings tears to my eyes and goosebumps down my arms, I know that WRITING IS MY CALLING. It always has been and always will be.

I always knew I was going to be one of those late bloomers in life.